my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
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