I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
