my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
