i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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