I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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