Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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