He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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