Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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