dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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