My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize