i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
