i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
