she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
The uberlube is also flammable
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
