One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
