Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
