I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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