They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
