Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize