Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize