Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
