Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I will pee on everything he values.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
