I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
this boner is exhausting
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
