I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
