I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
