My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
