Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
