a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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