Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
