Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
