Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
