What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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