i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
