my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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