so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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