Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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