If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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