I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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