everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
