im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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