Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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