I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
