The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
