I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
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