McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
