I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
