8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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