Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
