I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
they need to just BURY HIM!
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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