Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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