her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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