I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Those nachos came to me in a dream
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
