I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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