She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
