watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
