I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
