I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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