i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize