you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
