I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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