i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
