Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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