does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
