I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
